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Really Bad Computer Advice
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| I
just finished case-modding my
laptop, and except for a tiny
bit of damage caused by the circular saw when I was cutting a window in
the case, I must say it came out pretty good. And I learned a lot of
tricks I'm happy to pass along. 1) Dremel tools take too long. Use your regular wood-working tools and the job will go much faster. 2) Be real careful and you won't have to waste time taking all those things out of the box. Set blade depth to 1/4 inch. 3) Neon lights don't always let you see the inside of your case. I'm using three 100W industrial bulbs in an old track-lighting fixture I had left over from the house remodel. 4) Don't forgret to upgrade your power supply to handle the extra consumption. Hook up a gas generator to your motherboard. By removing the in-the-box power supply, you have more room for the light bulbs. 5) A window is a waste of money. Just leave the holes you cut open. Extra ventalation is always good. 6) The new rage is water cooling. But just plain water isn't interesting. Use shaved ice. Pack the case full of it, and not only will your system run cooler, but it will look like a big, square, beige snowglobe. Shake the box vigorously for the full effect. I'll review my notes on my mod work, at least the ones I can still read (had to soak up the blood with something, and the notes were right there...) and see if there are more tips I can pass along. |
| It's
not really a mod, so I
decided
to say this in a seperate
post. If you are having space problems; no convenient place to keep the
big beige (black, green, puce) box, too dusty on the floor, desktop
already full...try this. Suspend the tower from the ceiling, low enough to reach but up out of the way. I suggest a medium sized electromagnet mounted on the box top. This also prevents vibration from effecting the computer, except those pesky earthquakes. You just can't guard against everything. |
| Do you load your installation Cds one at a time? How much free time do you have? No, no...you can stack up at least three at a time in the CD-ROM drive. Saves time. Download everything to anywhere in the C: drive so they'll be close to the Windows stuff. Anytime your hardware needs a driver, aim the installation dialogue to that folder. Be sure you give the folder a unique name you'll remember. Like "Drivers_I_Downloaded_From_All_Those_Disks_I_Found_Laying_Around" Add any old extension, since it's a folder and they don't care what extension they are. |
| A great laptop case mod idea for you - go to your local Sears and buy the most powerful shop vac they sell. Using some of that duct tape you bought for your Homeland Security kit, tape the vac hose to the cooling fan outlet on your laptops. Put the other end of the hose in the outflow port of the vac. Turn on the vac. This should keep your laptops cool enough to avoid accidental "scorching". An alternate possibility: fill your lap with ice cubes. Viola, water cooled laptops. How do you keep your lap dry with this method? Depends! |
| Often a problem with older computers, (e.g. any system built more than 6 hours ago) that can be easily solved if you consider the fact that modern computers are becoming more and more like people. They too have memories and can store tons of data and information. We don't recognize people to whom we haven't been introduced. Computers can't recognize hardware until they've been properly introduced. Do this; host a small party in the room where you keep your computer, situate all your peripheral devices so that they're in a small circle facing one another, and ask each piece of hardware to share a little bit about themselves. Perhaps a short biography...where they were manufactured, who built them, where they were sold, that sort of thing. Offer refreshments (maybe a little power surge) and allow time for mingling. At the end of the day not only will your computer recognize all it's hardware, they'll be best of friends, allies, who would never do anything to cause problems or conflicts within their little community. Oh, and be sure to invite all the hardware's drivers as well. Can't have a truely moving experience without drivers. |
| See
these reviews from pleased
readers; Anon - "What a load of c..." And Anon writes, "What a mess you made of my computer, you moron. I'm gonna..." Lastly, Anon comments, "I just wanted a double latte, and instead I got all this nonsense". This guy/gal Anon is one of my greatest fans, and sure does like to kid around a lot (I hope). Today's Word to the Herd - Are your mouse and keyboard cold to the touch first thing in the morning? Solve this minor annoyance by popping them both in the microwave for not over 6 minutes. Allow to cool slightly if blisters form on first use. Now, isn't that better? |
| Hey
all...have you ever wanted
to
install a window in your
computer box. Try a bay window. This will allow you to put small
houseplants or some knick-knacks on display. |
| Today's
bit of advice comes from
a
friend of mine who is
recovering well...he works on a help desk, and his tip was developed on
the job. Visit a store like Home Depot, or hang around a construction
site (you penny-pinching cheapo's), and pick up 4 one foot squares of
ceiling tile, the acoustic type. Sit in the chair at your computer as
you normally would to work. Find the spot on the wall closest to your
head, and mount the tiles there on the wall. This will provide
excellent padding for your cranium the next time you suffer a BSOD or
just have to work on your PC. Thanks for the tip, Bill TC, hope you're well soon. The help desk needs you. |
| To clean the keyboard, I'd recommend a combination of Ajax and a power washer. Might as well do the whole job while you're at it. Carry your entire computer into the yard (no need to mess up the house), open everything up, scrub it all down with a solution of water and Ajax, then power spray it all off. You'll be amazed at the changes in performance. |
| I
think you'll all agree that
one
of the reasons so much of
our advice doesn't work as hoped is the wide variety of personal
computer systems out there. All those different operating systems,
office suites, levels of system maintanence...too many variables. This fact has suggested to me a solution. And that solution is perhaps the perfectly worst...greatest bad advice I can offer all you. This advice is so wonderfully terrible that I had to get out of bed and grab the laptop so I could post this before the inspiration passes or sanity returns. To make your system the best it can be...to ensure that we'll only give advice that you can use, and that the advice works the way we say it will...to eliminate the possibility that our advice will damage your system...to bring peace to the world, love to the lovelorn and hope to the hopeless (well, I might be going a teensy bit too far there)............ We're all going to adopt the exact same systems! Starting Monday, here's what we'll have: 1) Operating System - Mandrake Linux. Now, hear me out before you start to protest. It's free, so even our poorest member can afford it...and to ensure consistancy, we can all use the exact same installation disks. We'll mail them around. I understand a lot of your objections, but I've considered the solutions to those and will address them one by one. 1a) Steep learning curve...no problem. Everyone will be using the same system, so the least among us will have a setup that exactly resembles the setup of the most advanced member. They may not understand how it works, but most people don't understand how computers work. At least ours will all work perfectly. 1b) Hardware incompatibility - all you gamers and high-end video nuts will have to bite the bullet and install, along with all the rest of us, basic but workable hardware, in the interest of consistancy, world peace, yada yada. Or, keep your super systems, but don't expect advice from us. 1c) It won't run the newest apps - that's half the reason our systems are so screwed up now...we keep adding and upgrading and uninstalling and reinstalling...our registry looks like the California budget...lots of numbers that don't add up. No more. Everyone runs the same (free) apps written for our OS...and if there are problems, any other member can help. We're all on the same neatly written page. 1d) It won't play the kids games - Great! Do you ever watch CNN? Seen those stories about all our overwieght, lazy, antisocial kids? They need to be outside playing with their friends or working part-time jobs to help suppliment the family budget. Anyway, you don't need them around when you're on the computer...laughing at you and making you feel stupid. 1e) But I like Windows - tough. Are you going to be a problem?? 2) Screen Resolution - 800x600. Basic, good for the eyes. 3) CD-RW/DVD-RW - Nope, sorry. These just lead to the temptation to violate copyright laws and aren't affordable for all our members. Crank up the old floppy drive for backups. 4) Connection - 56k dial-up. Still the most available world-wide. Some of you need to learn to slow down and reduce your stress levels anyway. While all those RPM's are downloading, you can get back to the earth and plant a garden...remodel your house...have a couple more kids. This will give us plenty to work on for now. I may have more lousy advice on this topic later. |
| After
days and days of banging
my
head against the wall in an
effort to come up with some more bad advice for you all...I found this
product on the web. My bad advice - by lots of this and use it
liberally (and according to the directions, of course). WiFi Spray |
| If
you're concerned about the
latest slew of bugs, worms and
viruses on the web...if you worry that others are reading your
emails...if you simply want to be assured that your system is as secure
as can be................... Unplug your phone line from your computer, remove your modem, and never ever ever go online. Problem solved. Next issue?... |
| Don't
you get tired of reading
all
those advice posts that
tell you to reinstall Windows, just because you've totally hosed your
system to the point where Windows has renamed the only environment it
will let you boot into "unsafe mode"..."it's your only hope", they say. Well, if it's such good advice to reinstall Windows (or Linux, for that matter) to correct problems with the system...wouldn't it make more sense to simply reinstall your OS every time you boot up? Of course it would. Leave your OS's install disk in the CD-ROM every time you shut down, and each time you power up, you'll be ready to do the install. Think how daisy-fresh and free of garbage your system will be every day. No more missing .dll files...no more missing shortcuts...no more over-full bookmarks lists. Just a newborn, baby-fresh system ready for you to start computing each morning. You'll be the envy of everyone to whom you're willing to admit you do this. |
| It
has been requested that I
cover
booting your computer. Now this is a fairly common activity, more common if you're running Windows 95/98 and do frequent Windows Updates, so I don't see any need to go into great depth on the subject. Despite the term "boot", boots are not absolutely required for this. Any pair of sturdy shoes will do (I do not recommend tennis shoes, orthopedic injuries will result). Even though booting, and rebooting, a computer actually involves the case that holds the motherboard, sound card, memory, etc...booting the monitor has been known to be much more satisfying. You should place the monitor on the floor to avoid disrupting the chaos on your desk, and you should be sure no other person, pet or valuable is in the proposed flight path. Face the monitor away from you and toward the intended target. Booting the screen will result in the entire monitor becoming an unattractive extension of your leg. I strongly recommend booting the monitor from behind. You may decide to spice up the moment by establishing a point system for distance, style, destructive results. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to employ a catcher. For added fun, should you live in a highrise or be booting your computer from your office on the 78th floor, open a window and go for distance. Also have a friend video tape the event and send your submissions to <www.potentiallawsuits.com>. Booting a laptop can be just as enjoyable, and because of the lighter weight, distances can be really impressive. With the lid closed, a properly booted laptop will behave like a frisbee. Do not allow the family dog to try and catch it. Rebooting consists of booting, in any order, the monitor, the tower, then the printer, scanner, joystick, USB drive and all cables. Final warnings... Do not attempt to boot someone else's computer unless specifically asked. Much discord will result. Do not attempt to boot a laptop while flying. Much disaster will result. Do not boot a computer in a small room or closet. Give yourself plenty of space. (Why is your computer in a closet?) Do not attempt to boot a machine that's still plugged in. Electrocution will result, and your distances will be reduced. Do not attempt to boot a mainframe computer, unless you're really in shape. Do not bother booting PDA's. No challenge, and poor distances will result. Do not boot Linux machines. There's no need, and the degree of pleasure isn't the same. |
| Today's
topic is just a
clarification of some common computer
terms that often get tossed around, and I think may have confused some
of our members. "Bug" - a computer problem often caused by insects inside your machine. "Raid" - 1) a way to arrange your hard disks 2) a spray designed to kill insects Spray the inside of your computer daily with "Raid" to kill computer "bugs". Hope this helps. |
| Proper
online behavior: On any website, auction site, pop-up ad...be sure to enter your valid email address. Giving phony addresses, or throw-away addresses like Hotmail accounts, is just rude. So be sure and only use your valid, regular email address. In fact, where ever possible, you should include your home address and telephone number, for those less fortunate merchants who can't afford to spam you to death. This gives them other options to make you aware of their wonderful products and encourage you to buy them, day after day after day...(usually during mealtimes or while you're in the shower). In your email signature, be sure to include your home info, as well as your credit card number. Be sure to include the expiration date and pin number. This will save you a lot of time should you (or anyone else) decide to make a purchase while you're net surfing. Next we'll discuss "how to look like a honey-trap"... how to disable your firewall and anti-virus programs, especially if you have an "always on" connection. Internet criminals will be very suspicious of this kind of setup, and leave you alone. |
| For
today's advice to work as it
should, you really ought to
be on broadband. You ought to be on broadband, and never turn off your
computer. You ought to be on broadband, never turn off your computer,
and be willing to follow all the advice you read in this thread. Still
with me? Good. Now most of you, especially home users, will equate broadband with DSL or cable. That's the usual situation. But I would recommend that you, as a broadband user, go ahead and take the plunge by having your house set up with a T1 connection. These connections really attract the hackers/crackers/slackers that seek out fast hook-ups for their nasty work. And we are trying to attract their attention, in order to distract their attention later on. OK, you've got your T! installed, your computer (top of the line, I would hope) is on 24/7...next we set our trap. Delete your anti-virus program...get out from behind that firewall...delete Zone Alarm...and finally, make sure every port in your machine is open. We're using reverse psychology here. By making your system openly available to anybody on the internet (I hope you followed yesterday's suggestions - how else are they going to find you?), you've established a setup that resembles a "honey trap", or a trap for hackers/crackers/slackers. They're going to think, "This is way too easy...there's got to be a trap". And soon the word will spread and they'll avoid you like a plague. Or they may descend upon you like a plague. Well, no system's perfect. Next time: oh, who knows. I'll think of something. |
| Today's
tip is intended to make
what appears on your monitor
easier to see. The high contrast settings in "display properties" may work for some, but if you still have problems, try this... In "display properties" "appearance", "advanced", set everything...active title bars, inactive title bars, scroll bars, menus, desktop...set them all to black. Make sure all text is set to bright yellow and the size set to, oh, 24 point. Then unselect "allow web pages to use their own colors and fonts". Check it out! Bet you can read everything now. |
| Have any of you noticed that the hose on a standard shop vac, with the help of a little duct tape, fits quite nicely in a fan opening on your computer case? Don't want to give dust a chance to settle? Need to move large volumes of air through your seriously overclocked system? You can't do better than the output of a 12 amp shop vac. For the gamer among us, hook up one to the front of the box, with the hose attached to the vac's exhaust...and one on the back attached to the intake. Here at Jeber Labs, my crack test team (well, it's accurate, they're all on crack) has determined that this arraingment will replace the entire volume of air inside an Antec server case 37,082 times a minute. If that doesn't keep your components cool, revert to the shaved ice recommendation. |
| For
all the case modders out
there... Now that you've got your window installed, and you've put those pretty lights inside the case, you need something to reflect the light and create a really pretty interior view. Let me suggest wadded up aluminum foil. Put about ten "balls" of wadded up foil inside the case and sit back (way back, perhaps) and enjoy the play of reflected light on the walls. |
| It's a good idea to use your scroll bars for a while after a fresh install. New scroll bars can be stiff and unresponsive. By having to scroll constantly as you try in vain to read an entire post you're helping loosen up the scroll bars and get them in operational form. Then, when you really need them later, they won't get stuck or refuse to work. WD-40 will also work well, but gets a little messy when sprayed on the screen. |
| I'm
sure you're all aware of the
need to defragment
(geekspeak=defrag) your hard drive. How often is a matter of personal
choice, but should be no more often than once every 47 seconds.
But before you can defragment your drive, it must first become "fragged". This can be done one of two ways; automatically or manually. To
automatically fragment your
drive: set the cluster size to
5. If I understand the concept correctly (and there's certainly no
assurance of that), this should result in every bit being written to
your drive existing in groups of five. Since even the most simple thing
you save, for example, contains thousands of bits, this should then
result in the one program being spread all over your drive. 15 bits
here, 60 more over there... To
manually frag your drive: most
experts recommend either
your standard Army- issue fragmentary grenade, or, to create the
maximum degree of fragmentation, your basic claymore mine. If you
choose the grenade, simply pull the pin and place the grenade in the
computer case. Be sure you are properly grounded. A wrist strap is
recommended, also by experts. Close the case and leave the room. You
may want to leave the state...and change your name. |
| Are you still using Windows? Are you getting fed up with worms, viruses, patches to stop worms and viruses, patches to fix the damage done by the previous patches, etc.? Normally I'd recommend Linux, as most of the worms and viruses are aimed at the number one OS on the market, which happens to be Windows. But to be really safe, to make sure no script-kiddie is ever going to make you a victim, let me suggest you consider using an operating system that no one with a lick of sense would waste the time attacking, one that hasn't been updated since December of 2001...BEos. Now you're all ready to surf the net in complete safety. |
| QUOTE i just got dsl, and i was wondering, where do i put it? and also, i heard you can make it go faster? / QUOTE Dsl, short for diesel, is a fuel that should only be put in a vehicle, never a computer. Oh wait...one of my crack research team (would you guys please quit smoking that stuff, there's nothing left to research about it) has informed me that you might be referring to a form of connection to the internet also called dsl. If indeed that is what you were asking about, I have good news for you. It would seem dsl is a broad-band connection. This means it's wider than the regular type connection, which is called either pathetic, dial up, or all-I-could-afford. Broad band connections allow more bits of information, called bits of information, to fit through the connection side-by-side, thus permitting greater possibilities for all those 1's and 0's to arrange themselves into a machine readable configuration quicker. No one has ever explained to me why our machines need anything to read...maybe they get bored in between games of solitaire, too...but it's nice to know that broadband will give your computer something with which to amuse itself sooner than those computers belonging to those other cash-strapped users. Anyway, you should have a cable from your dsl provider that you are supposed to plug into the back of your computer. I'm not real sure where. Just keep poking the plug into the empty holes back there, technically referred to as empty holes, until it fits, even sort of, into one. Then, and this step is very important, take a magic marker and label that hole "dsl". This is so that 1) your computer will recognize that hole as the dsl connection and "enable" it (to "enable" a connection means that your computer will allow the connection to drink and abuse drugs without trying to discourage such behavior...as in "I have enabled my team of crack researchers...") and 2) so that you'll know which hole to stick the plug back into should it ever fall out. You'll know if the plug falls out, as you will notice "packet loss". See, to make sending all those loose 1's and 0's over wires easier, they're grouped into small "packets" and tied together with string (that is only a theory). When your dsl plug falls out, these packets will be scattered all over the floor behind your computer. When you notice these packets laying about, you'll know your connection has come loose. To speed up your dsl connection, you need to understand that with dsl, the further those packets have to travel, the more bits fall out of the packets and block up the line. So the closer you are to where the line originates, the more 1's and 0's get to your computer. This is a good thing. So I'd recommend that you find where your dsl line leaves the pole out behind your house, yurt, homeless shelter...and nail the box containing your computer to the pole right below that. Throw some plastic sheeting over the box to protect it from bad weather. You may need an extension cable for your monitor, and I'd recommend a wireless keyboard/mouse combination for this sort of setup. That way you can sit in the comfort of your apartment, hovel, jail cell and still post to your favorite forum...whichever one that might be. Hope this helps. |
| QUOTE My computer needs more memory, or something! /QUOTE It needs more Something. Forget the memory, Something's more important. Take out all the memory and install at least 1065 nanoMegaWatts of Something. If you can't afford that much of Something at present, you can substitute high quality, bi-polar Other. So my advice, add Something or Other. Lots of it. |
| QUOTE why hasn't someone answered my BeOS question? /QUOTE The people that used exclusively, and knew intimately, the BEos are all resting quietly in homes now and aren't allowed to use computers anymore. |
| QUOTE knowing that you provide only bad advice, should I follow your advice? /QUOTE Of course! It's only bad advice. The kind we usually give ourselves when faced with a problem beyond our abilities, usually in an effort to save money. You can do the things I suggest. But not if I'm standing next to you. |
| QUOTE Should I burn the image to a cd and try to boot from it, or delete it and start over because a download resumed that many times must be gigo anyway...? /QUOTE Neither. CD's are a passing phase, a fad. Stick with the time proven floppy disk. Copy the files over to floppy disks (you should qualify for bulk prices) then boot from the boot disks, which I believe will be 1 through 142. |
| QUOTE What can I do with my old BeOs and WinME's OS floppies and cd's? They must be good for something /QUOTE Floppy's can be used to balance out the legs on your dining-room table. The CD's. hung in a tree, will scare birds away from the fruit (note: AOL CD's can be used to scare away everything, vampires, bears...) |
| I'm
currently enrolled in a
college
course supposedly designed to teach me how to function as a help-desk
wizard. As you can tell by reading this site, I'm already fully
qualified to offer a wide range of advice on the abuse and mishandling
of a personal computer. As proof, listen to this..."Your only
option is to reformat your hard drive and reinstall your operating
system." As you can see, I already posses the qualifications to
work on any help desk, in any corporate environment. But I
believe the certification this course will award me, providing I
complete all the course work, will look good on my resume.
Unfortunately, nothing I'm learning in these classes will be useful on
any real-world help desk. This college seems determined to
attempt to teach it's students how to actually help the people who seek
advice. What an amazing waste of time. No one who actually
has the nerve to call a help desk expects help. From my own
experience, I have determined that the only skills a help desk person
needs are the ability to keep a person on hold long enough for a
new administration to take office in Washington and go
insane from listening to the same Carpenter's tune several
thousand times, as well as the ability to say in an unintelligible
manner , while eating crackers and drinking a milk shake, "You must
reformat your hard drive and reinstall your operating system." We
all know that's the only real help you ever get from a help desk,
unless you're in a business environment, in which case your IT person
will tell you, "You are forbidden to operate any workstation within our
company ever again, and I'll be up after while and reformat the hard
drive and reinstall the operating system." However, since you're my friends (I'm being generous in calling you my friends...as I have yet to see a change in the balance in my PayPal account), I will continue to pass along nuggets of wisdom to help you deal with your personal computer. Please don't email me with thanks. I can feel your gratitude from here. |
| Wow, after so much work on
my Windows system, I decided to do a reorganization of all the folders
and files in all the partitions on my hard disk, and after looking
around at all the possible ways to do that, I figured what my drive
needed was a fresh format. Since I've heard (from those smug
know-it-alls who usually know it all) that the best results are gained
from working on a command line, I booted back into a command line
interface and proceeded to run FORMAT E:, followed by FORMAT D:,
wrapping it all up with FORMAT C:. Woohoo, does my system ever
load fast now. Well, OK, it loads up to a command prompt, but it
does that really fast. I was enjoying feeling like a command line
commando, so I decided to try another command I read about somewhere
called fdisk. That went really fast, too. Finally, I typed
in CHKDSK because I didn't want to wear out my vowel keys, and it
reported no problems were found. Cool. It also said that no
OS was found, though I could swear I used to have one on there.
Now I feel like such a geek, I figure I'm better off with a true geek
OS anyway. Besides, I couldn't find the CD-R with Windows on it I
bought at that yard sale (and for only $25...do I know a bargain or
what!) and I think my key generator that the guy who sold Windows to me
said I needed to make the disk work was on the disk that I just
organized, so I went back to his yard sale (he sure does have a lot of
them) and picked up another CD-R of Linux, which everyone (named Lou)
says is the geekiest OS around, for only $75. Lou says it costs
more because it's so geeky. Who am I to argue with such
logic? And I can tell it's the best Linux around, because Lou
wrote right on the disk that it's Red Hat 1.0...and where I come from
(2 blocks down and around the corner) #1 is the best. So now I'm
all ready to begin another episode of my computing life...as a Linux
luser...uh, user. This is going to require a lot of studying on
my part, because I wasn't born a geek. I've never even visited
there on vacation. I've already hit my first snag. During
installation, the screen told me to enter a "root" password, and to
keep it secret. Well, everyone knows that the best kept secret is
one no one knows...so I shut my eyes, whacked at the keyboard until the
little box was full of stuff, then without really looking, copy/pasted
it into the second ( "confirmation? I had no idea Linux was from
the Catholic church) box and hit "enter". Now I seem to be having
a small problem getting back into my freshly installed system.
I'll be working on this problem over the next few days, and promise to
share all the wisdom I gain with you...whoever you really are. |
|
| This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License |